100 Things - Part 1

   Well, I'm reading Brian's list and thought that maybe I would start one of my own. Needless to say, there are some things that will never make this list, mainly because they are nobody's business, but also, because I like to remain a "Man of Mystery". So here are 100 things that I have not yet revealed in this blog.

     1. I used to write my own comic books. I wrote & drew them in grade school and into high school, and they were based upon, of all things, the bugs from the Raid commercials. The entire thing was a rip-off of Superman (Superbug), not very good (his secret identity was Clark Cricket), and I think I only created 3 issues. I also have had comics printed in the Channooka Weekly (a small weekly newspaper) and an alternative paper in Tulsa.

      2. I hate seeing needles pierce skin. I can watch a movie where someone gets cut in half with a chain-saw, but it's a movie. See someone get a shot? No way. When Lovely Wife & I were dating, she wanted to give blood. I went first, no problem. But while watching her, the nurse just kept fishing for that vein. Fishing and fishing and fishing. My ears started ringing & I asked where the restroom was. I managed to stagger down the hall and then pass out in the ladies room.

      3. I look like a brother of Jared Fogle (Subway guy) and Donnie Osmond

   4. I hate selling cars and I hate buying cars. I feel that I lose either way except on those rare occasions (The Millenium Chrysler, Poison Gas, & Flash). I once sold a car at a garage sale for $60. The guy wanted to give me $50, but I threw in the 8-track player & all my Merle Haggard tapes.

   5. As a teenager, some friends & I once drove around town pointing a toy gun at folks & screaming "DIE PIG". Kids would fall off their bicycles, old guys would jump and women would scream. It was 1979 and that seemed funny at the time. 25 years later and it doesn't seem funny at all.

    6. After my vasectomy, I had to take in a sample for testing. I walked into the Dr. office and handed this vial to the cute receptionist and told her it was 'my sample'. She looked at it, held it up so someone in the back could see, and said in her outside voice, "Is this enough for a sample? This is the smallest one I've ever seen." I quietly explained that it wasn't a urine sample. She stopped for a minute, looked at me and then gasped "I'm soooo sorry. I didn't mean.....oh my gosh!" and then she jumped up and left the desk.

    7. The first time my mom thought I said the F word, I didn't really say it. I was working as a paperboy for the Channooka Weekly and it was poorly managed. I had built up my entire route by myself and a girl had her route handed to her, including some of the folks that I had gotten to take the paper (10 cents a week). I was mad & wanted to call her a name. Alliterration has always worked for me, so I called her Vucky Vicky (kinda sounds like Yucky). Mom stood there, her eyes got wide and I knew I was dead. Have you ever tried to run & explain something at the same time? Didn't work for me either.

    8. My sister made me eat Bugles. I hated Bugles brand corn snacks. We had one bathroom in the house and one day I had to use it really badly. Big Sis wouldn't let me in the house unless I ate 5 Bugles. To get through the kitchen cost me 10. Down the hallway was another 10. Into the bathroom was probably 20. Once inside, I decided I liked Bugles and I kept pretending I hated them until she force-fed me the whole bag. hee hee.

   9. As a kid I used to hide in the closet and eat mustard straight from the jar using a butter-knife. Might try that again tonight.

  10. In college I made a silent 8mm parody of Superman: The Movie. During the destruction of Krypton I almost caught the garage on fire.

   11. During college I had a married woman come on to me while I was driving her home. Scared the crap outta me and I didn't hang around her anymore.

   12. My Lovely Wife makes the best catfish I have ever tasted. (OK, that's not about me, but it's about her, and that's pretty close)

   13. My uncle Forrest would always call me 'tadpole', even after I got taller than he was.

   14. My Big Sis calls me 'Sweet Pea'

   15. For some reason, when I talk to folks on the phone, they think my name is Glen. When I worked in Tulsa, every day we would receive a phone call from a division in another state. Every time I would answer the phone, "Telex, this is Dwayne." & the guy on the other end would say ,"Yeah, Glen, blah blah blah." I would even spell it for him & he would still call me Glen. Finally I told him that Glen didn't work there anymore, he got fired when he brought a gun to work & started shooting. I'm the new guy, my name is Dwayne. Honest to Pete, the guy said, "That doesn't surprise me. Glen always seemed a little weird."

    16. I had a boss deny me a raise because I "laughed a lot at work and enjoyed myself" (I didn't work in a funeral home at the time.)  

     17. I held the record for the longest Mile Swim in our Boy Scout camp's history. Over 3 hours.

     18. I got to ride the Silverton train even though I hadn't made a reservation. My Mom, Dad, Sis & I were in Durango so I went down to the station early in the morning and there were 50 people already in line for standby. I got the last ticket on the last train because I was the only person that wanted a single ticket. I had to chase the train because it had already left the station.

     19. When I was in 4th grade I was run over by a Chevy Impala. It broke my pelvis and buried gravel all through my right leg. I laid on a board for months letting the gravel work its way out and letting my pelvis heal. Dr. said I might never walk. He was wrong.

     20. I've always enjoyed acting. In grade school I was Linus. In high school I was Soapy in an O. Henry play. In college I played Geronte in Scapino and Bogie in Play it Again, Sam. Maybe in a year or two I might try it again.

     21. I've appeared in a music video for a Christian song called This Town by Rob Frazier back in 1986. I was a last minute fill in for a choir in a small church. All of these folks in the video have problems in their lives and end up coming to church via prayer. At the end, everyone is in this small church and the choir (including me) are singing the chorus. Of course, they play the song over & over and we just sing along but they don't use our voices in the video, they have the track. However, during the taping the director comes out and has each of the choir sing the chorus while he listens. When he gets to me, I sing and he tells me to not sing, just lip sync. I asked if they were taping our singing and he said they weren't, but they were just being safe. My fellow choir members thought it was funny. For the record, I wasn't in the choir at church, however I did play one on TV.

      22. I do know someone that is "in the business" I went to college with Teri McEvoy and was in Play it Again, Sam with her. She's married & I think living is Chicago   

      23. I have received some great words from some great people, but I think one of the highest compliments or praise was when my college drama instructor, Robert Mallary, was driving through Oklahoma City, called and invited Lovely Wife & I to lunch at County Line BBQ. He lived in Joliet, IL & was traveling to New Mexico (I think). We had lunch, visited, laughed and had a great time. At one point, he leaned over, grasped my arm, looked me in the eye and said, "You can stop calling me Mr. Mallary. Please call me Bob." I replied, "I don't think I can ever do that. You'll always be Mr. Mallary." Later, after the meal, we were taking about what had happened to several of the other students that were at JJC while we attended there. Mr. Mallary smiled and said, "You two, I always knew that you two were right for each other and I always knew that of everyone in that group, you both were going to make it. And I must say that you have. You have gotten it right." He slapped my arm a few times and smiled. I can still see that smile, it was in his eyes, in his whole face. He passed away the following year. I'll have to write about Mr. Mallary some more later. Right now, I'm close to crying. 

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