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100 Things - Part 2
24. Got struck by lightning once, almost. I was with a group of Boy Scouts in Kentucky and we were all sitting on a concrete picnic table on a hill near a lake. Out of the clear blue sky a bolt of lightning hits a tree at the bottom of the hill and then jumps up the hill until it hits the rebar reinforcments holding the picnic table into the ground. We had the hair scorched on our arms and my Dad had a burn in his shirt where he was leaning against a van. One kid got either blown off or slapped off the table (we never figured out which).
25. I made it to Eagle Scout. We had a ceremony where our troop had 5 Eagles inducted at once.
26. Sometimes I think that I enjoy the older comedians waaayyy too much. I wonder how the comedians of today would fare if they couldn't joke so blatently about sex and bodily functions. Chaplin, Keaton, Lloyd, Hope, Abbott & Costello, Laurel & Hardy, even Fields. But the cream of the crop were the Marx Brothers. If these guys could have worked without studio restrictions, it would have been pure genius (& may have included sex & bodily functions, but the genius is working within parameters). I have been permenently scarred by Groucho. When Lovely Wife is dictating a shopping list to me, at the end I always say, "And one duck egg."
27. A year after I was hit by the car, I was in a Cancer Society Bike-a-Thon. It was a 50 mile ride and while obtaining pledges, one grumpy guy pledged $1. I explained that it would be $1 a mile and I was going 50 miles. He assured me that I wasn't going to make it and he had the dollar to prove it. I finished, he coughed up $50, I came in 3rd for the amount of $$ raised in my region, & won a 10 speed bike. I learned 33 years later that he did it on purpose to egg me on since everyone in town knew what the Dr. had said about me not walking again.
28. One of the first times I met Lovely Wife, I snorted Dr. Pepper out of my nose.
29. Big Sis & I have the same initials. I hated that when I was growing up.
30. One time my Mom said, "I wish you were triplets!" So I pretended that I was, even changing clothes during the day and answering to different names. I was such a Calvin.
31. A few years ago, while waiting for Lovely Wife to exit the local Uber Wal-Mart, I saw a guy take off running from the building with employees in pursuit. I gave chase in my car, followed him into a nearby apartment complex, jumped out of the car & while pointing my finger at him, yelled, "Freeze!" The perp throws up his hands and starts crying. A few minutes later, local police & Uber Wal-Mart workers show up. The perp was furious to learn that I didn't have a gun.
32. A lot of folks have told me that I should be doing stand-up. Little do they know, I steal almost all of my material. And 1 duck egg. (See, funny, but stolen)
33. While teaching in children's church, I was hit on the head with a shovel by a kid.
34. During a discussion about diversity with Lovely Wife and my Mom, I drew the analogy that America is the Great Melting Pot, America is a stew. And like a good stew, all of the ingredients blend together to create a new flavor, rather than shout that their individual flavor is the best. You see, the carrots don't demand that you admire their carrot-ness. The potatoes don't insist that you respect their potato-ness. The peas never stand and shout about their pea-ness. Lovely Wife & Mom almost hurt themselves laughing. I turned red and placed my head on the table & took a long nap until they were done laughing.
35. I can sing like Ethel Merman ( but not the disco version)
36. I have had my gall bladder removed, a bucket handle tear in my knee repaired, and lived through three kidney stones (Yes, this too, will pass)
37. Whenever someone buys one of those holiday popcorn barrels, I always want to remove the divider and roll the barrel around. Butter/Carmel/Cheese Corn is great.
38. I have always wanted to buy 3 large popcorns, walk into the theater, pretend to trip and throw popcorn everywhere. Then go out, buy three more and do it again. Then go out and come back with three large cokes and watch everyone flinch as I walk past.
39. I enjoy getting unsolicited calls from salesmen. I see how long I can keep them on the phone before they hang up. Lovely Wife does not approve of this sport.
40. I worked in a foam rubber plant and there were this guy & girll that everyone accused of sneaking work-time sex. They both went into a large storeroom and a co-worker & I thought it woould be funny to lock them in. They spent 7 hours in there before someone let them out. I felt terrible for doing that, but never confessed.
41. When I worked at the Haunted Movie Theater, I tied a shopping car to my boss's car using about 50 feet of rope. When he took off for the bank, he ran a yellow/red light and the grocery cart ran the red light and crashed into another car. Never confessed to that either.
42. Driving home one day, Lovely Wife drove up along-side, waved and drove off. I then saw a house on fire in a neighborhood. I shot into the neighborhood & found the house. Nobody was home so I used the nextdorr neighbor's hose to put the fire out while the guy across the street called the fire department. Once everything was all done I walked back to my car and there was Lovely Wife waiting for me. I asked her how she knew where I was. She noticed I was no longer behind her and then she saw smoke in her rear-view mirror. "You were gone and a house was on fire. Where else would you be?" (that's very high on my compliment/praise list)
43. When I was 5 or 6, I met Trooper Vanderbilt from F-Troop. He was a friend of my Dad's cousin and he visited with us for a couple of hours. He was my favorite on the show and he did his own stunts.
44. Also while in California, I rode a bicycle on a guy's lawn in Los Angles and he came running from his house screaming. I was from Illinois and everyone rode bikes on the grass. He kept yelling, but wouldn't step on the grass to chase me away. I sat there for 10 minutes, totally confused.
45. I prefer not to eat organ meats.
46. I have never figured out how a mummy was an effective movie monster. They just chased you v e r y s l o w l y.
47. I helped my dad make a giant snowball and roll it in front of the neighbor's garage door. He had one that you had to pull out and then slide back overhead. It froze overnight and the guy couldn't make it to work.
