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Involuntary happenings
Hopped in my car (Flash) this morning and was booking it on to work down the Lake Hefner Parkway. Happy as a clam that I was getting to work early (ETA: 07:05 as opposed to 08:59). I'm in the far left lane, doing 5 over the speed limit, hacking off everyone that wants to drive at 137 mph. I opened the sunroof, I was happy, life was good.
I reached up to adjust my rearview mirror and then from the back of mirror crawled UBERBUG!!!! OMIGOSH!!! Mein Gott in Himmell!!! Great Googely Moogely!!! Great Caesar's Ghost!!! IT'S A FRIGGIN' UUUUBBBBBEERRRBBBUUGGGG!!!!
<voice over narration: picture gets wavy as we fade into flashback> Since time began, at least for our stalwart hero, AKA Mike Horshead has, as they say in the Ozarks, "Been afeared" of grasshoppers. "B-b-big eyes...sm-sm-small pupils.....i-i-icky", he was once heard to say, prior to swooning not unlike a little schoolgirl. It appears that this is a genetic fear, since his uncle once crashed a vehicle due to a grasshopper unloading a hunk of tobacco chaw right into said uncle's eye. <Picture gets wavy as we return from flashback >
UUUUUUUUGGGGGG!!!!!! And worse that that, it's looking right me, obviously calculating the hopping distance to my neck, my jugular more precisely. Calmly, I navigate my car across the three lanes of traffic to the shoulder (SKREEEEE HONK HONK Sounds of a dozen birds flipping) in order to remove this beast of the wild from my vehicle. Now remember, I'm replaying the entire movie of Beginning of the End in my head and this critter hanging from my rearview is so huge that it should have pulled the mirror clean off (except that my mirror is bolted to my roof via four 5 inch carriage bolts. Although, my roof was starting to cave in slightly.). I jump out of Flash, roll down all the windows and open all the doors. Certainly, this reject from the Helstrom Chronicle would understand that I just want him to calmly hop into traffic.
He wouldn't comply. ( damn bug) He would need convincing. I needed a stick. Have you ever tried to find a stick along the Lake Hefner Parkway? Those stinking orange vested inmates keep the ditches so picked up it appeared that I would have to face this beast with my wits and whatever I could locate along the road. A long stiff piece of grass proved very ineffective (it snatched it from my hands, chewed it down, belched loudly and then farted in my general direction). It now appeared that I would have to face this beast with my wits and whatever I could locate in my hatchback. After a quick search, resulting in a rejected rope (if I lassoed it, then what?) and an ineffective 4-way lug wrench ( if the bug snatched it from my hands, I might be pummeled with it), I settled on an ink pen with which to flick it away.
Round1: I approach it from behind (I just noticed the word 'approach' has the word 'roach' in it. This just gets freakier!) and flick it squarely on it's bottom. It spins around, waggles it antennae/feelers and bares its saliva soaked fangs. This is starting to look like Alien Vs. Predator.
Round 2: I smack it squarely between the eyes ( those HUGE EYES...Little pupils...icky icky icky). As I withdraw my weapon, the beast snaps its huge leaf cutting mandibles at the pen, it hisses, grabs at it with multiple legs. That's when I notice...THIS THING IS PACKING HEAT!! (Oklahoma does have a concealed/carry law, I have to assume that this bugs gun was registered.)
Round 3: I go with the dreaded Ninja pen flick-sweep. Standing outside the car, I swoop my arm in and flick-sweep the enemy toward traffic. Success! but in a last desperate bid for victory, it lands on the driver's seat. I quickly run around the car and follow with a second Ninja pen flick-sweep. My foe is on the white line, sooooo close to the passing traffic.
I run around the car again to close the hatch and the passenger door, around once again to get in the driver's seat. A quick glance at my vanquished foe reveals that he has turned and is facing my car, plotting his next move. I slam the door shut, roll up the window and speed away.
The 07:10 radio traffic report reveals a slowdown on the southbound Lake Hefner Parkway due to a strange disturbance on the shoulder. Hmmm, I look around, traffic seems to be moving ok, I don't see anything. Oh well. Those traffic reports are usually wrong.
Got to work at 07:30. Still, it's a pretty good day, all except for that involuntary urination thing.
