Back in 1987 when Eldest Son was almost 4 and Youngest Son was 2.5, I decided to take them to see The Aristocats. Now remember, this was at a time in movie history when there was almost no kid movies out there, I think Follow that Bird was the last thing to hit the screen for a family. Disney had not started revamping their animation and all they were doing was re-releasing all the old stuff. I remembered seeing this movie as a kid and I loved it.

I bundle the boys off to the 7 screen 'multi-plex' for some Dad & boys time. We got to the theater, found a seat about 1/4 of the way down (just in case we needed to make a bathroom break) and waited. Now money was kinda tight and this was a splurge but I decided to go whole hog and get some popcorn and a drink. But I didn't want to lose these seats. Hmmm, what to do? I thought that maybe Eldest Son could hold the seats (he was pretty mature for almost 4) so I asked him if he could wait while I took Youngest Son to get popcorn. He looked at me and said, 'No.'

hmmmm, now what? If I take both of them, I'll be trying to handle 2 kids, popcorn & pop. hmmm. 'How about if Youngest Son stays with you? Can you watch him? I'll be right back.'

Eldest Son looked at me and said,' I'll watch him.' So I explained that I was going to go back to where we came in and I would get some popcorn and be right back before th movie started. Don't talk to anyone and don't be scared, I'll be right back.

I sprinted out of the theater and into the lobby to get popcorn, but instead I entered an un-named level of hell itself. At the candy counter was one worker and her name was 'Ditz' or something like that (No don't think I prejudged her based solely upon my superior intellect, after all, I had just left two small children alone in a theater. I ascertained what her name was after watching her go about her duties.) I was the third customer back. Here is the small taste of what happened:

1st customer: She drops his popcorn. Gets another and puts butter on it. He doesn't want butter. She gets another popcorn without butter. Gets his drink, drops it. Gets another drink. He pays and as she hands his change back, she drops it into his drink. I'm getting antsy, I need to get to my kids and the lobby is starting to fill up with people. She finally decides to get him another drink.

2nd customer: Woman with 2 screaming kids, something I was trying to avoid becoming (adult with two screaming kids, not a woman. DUH!). But I'm getting a little more nervous, this is taking too long. Kids want different candies, they can't agree. The lobby is getting more & more full. Another person comes to the candy counter and says "I can help the next person in line" I start to make my move and the 14 people behind me shift as a single unit into the new line. I'm trapped and my kids are still in that theater. Elapsed time: somewhere around 96 minutes.

3rd customer: Me. I want an extra large popcorn (free refills), no butter, large coke, no ice. Mentally I tabulate the total. Should be around $4.50. All I have is a $10. DAMN, She'll have to make change. I get the popcorn and a drink so full of ice, it would have scared Nanook of the North. I request no ice, but in my gut, I know that this is wrong. Tthe lobby has started doing one of those weird twisty things where everything is slowly distorted and sound slows down. The kind of thing where you see everything and everyone through a fish-eye lens, where you're swimming through molasses, a real Stephen King end of the chapter type moment. Ditz rings it up, I hand her the ten and she has no change. She looks a me like a hooked fish, 'Are ones ok?'

'Yea, yea, I just need my change right now.' She looks into the drawer and doesn't have the quarter. What to do? oh, break open a new roll, but she doesn't know how to do that. She gazes at the roll as if she has never seen one before.

Elapsed time: 7 weeks, 4 hours and 12 minutes

Finally I tell her, 'Forget the change, you've done a wonderful job, it's a tip ( I know that my tongue will turn black and fall out for lying, but it's a price I'm willing to pay. I HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE KIDS!!!!) I grab my concessions and turn and then it happens.

You could hear the screaming from inside the theater, I looked at the clock, one minute until the movie started. What was at the beginning of the Aristocats that would be so scary? Did I put them into the wrong theater? OMIGOD!! You could hear the door burst open down the hall and the screaming doubled in intensity and grew steadily louder as the kids (maybe they aren't mine?) came running down the hall. An usher tried to stop them but they slammed into him with the force of a freight train right at knee and groin level, putting him flat of his posterior. Everyone in the lobby froze except for the men, who were smart enough, after witnessing the fate of the usher, to turn slightly and let the kids pass. Tears were shooting out of my kids eyes as they grabbed my pants legs, screaming, gasping. I looked at them, 'What? What happened?'

Eldest Son, gasping, 'She...she..she..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'

'She what? Who was she?'

Youngest Son (the dramatic one, I think he gets it from his mother) grimaces and glares at me 'Hee hee hee' and he points a finger at me and then screams and crys.

I'm sure that the next sound I hear will be the local police slamming my head into the carpet, cuffing me and dragging my children away to a nice respectable home full of Democrats that will 'raise them right' and never spank them. Instead, I squat down, scoop both of them up along with the popcorn and pop, finally get my quarter from 'Ditz' (she figured out how to work a roll of quarters) and we head back down the hall to the theater. I double check, it was the right theater. What happened in there? I tell Eldest Son to show me where 'She' was. He points to the screen, 'She had an apple. She was mean. She tried to grab us.'

She had an apple? ??? Then it dawned on me. 'Was she on the screen? Was it a cartoon?'

'Yes'

The witch from the Snow White preview had just scared the bejeebers out of my boys and that explained why Youngest Son did the 'hee hee hee' and pointed at me. If he couldn't explain something, he always acted it out. I explained that the witch wasn't in this movie, it was a bunch of happy cats but there was a bad guy and the cats would be sure that he got justice. We dried tears, sipped pop, munched popcorn and waited until the other previews were over and watched the movie.

Eldest Son and Youngest Son loved the movie and it was getting near the end when Youngest Son announced that he had to go to the bathroom. I looked at Eldest Son, he looked at me and I said, 'Let's ALL go to the bathroom.' So we all went and when we got back, the movie was over. On the way home, I ended up trying to remember what had happened in the end of the film so I made something up. I figured I had scarred my kids for life, what was a huge lie in the face of that?

Even writing this down years later, I feel like a stupid slob. What was I thinking? It wasn't like they were in a running car, or working a meat slicer, or trying to clean a deep fryer. they were sitting in a theater. I learned to NEVER leave your kids alone. ever evereverevereverevernotever.

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